Don't Ask. Don't Tell. Takes Toll on Children

This was just published in Bay Windows. Some things we hardly think about when this issue arises. But important to note.

Five-year-old William and three-year-old Ryan are the children of decorated U.S. Army officer Cheryl Parker. Like other children of service members, they have dealt with cross-country moves and months without their mother while she was deployed in Iraq. Unlike the others, however, they must forgo many benefits, conveniences and support services offered to military families, or risk revealing that they have another mother, Donna Lewis. This could lead to Parker’s dismissal under the military’s "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" policy, even in LGBT-friendly Massachusetts. (Note: Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the family.)

In the close-knit community of an army base, there is a strong chance the young children will inadvertently out their mothers. "When I tried to put William in on-base daycare," explains Parker, "he would talk about having two moms. A lot of the daycare workers are spouses of military personnel. I don’t need somebody’s wife saying ’What’s the deal with William Parker?’" The same applies to the other activities provided by the Army family centers, such as kiddie gym classes. "The questions start and then the lying begins, and it’s just too complicated."

The couple is adamant, however, that however much they must lie to protect their family, they will never have their children do so. Lewis explains "We can’t take them to the commissary together anymore. One of the boys will say ’Mom? Not you, my other mom.’ We can’t tell him, ’Don’t say that,’ because he’s going to say, ’Why?’ The best way to deal with it is just not to put them in that situation."

The "situations" are often ones children would relish. "They had this humongous playground on one base that William absolutely loved," says Lewis. "But if there were a lot of kids around, we couldn’t go, because he might say ’That’s my mom, my other mom’s at home.’ That’s what kids do. They introduce themselves. If he was going to play by himself, which really sounds sad, then it was okay for him to go to the playground." She adds, "He’s dying to play soccer, and they have on-base teams for younger kids. We have to find a team off base, away from the area. William can’t go to the swimming pool, he can’t go to movie day, the things other kids are allowed to do."

(snip)

Lewis adds "We want them to be honest, and we want them to be themselves. We’ve already talked about it - if that means they out us and we lose everything, then to us, that’s God’s will. I am not going to try and teach my babies to be good, upstanding citizens and in the same breath say ’Lie.’ I can’t. It doesn’t work."

That’s a sense of values the military should be proud to embrace.

Together we all say, Amen.

I hope this story doesn't come back to bite them. The piece is a bit long, but well worth your attention. HERE.

And so it goes.
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