As Roxie Hart once said, "I'm older than I ever intended to be." And that's the truth.When the trappings and creature comforts of the 30-year relationship vaporized; the health issues, surgeries, vile medications, and dealings with odious people I used to call friends were eventually left behind, as well.
A three-year journey across a treacherous sea almost (but not quite) sank my small leaky boat, emotionally and physically. I am not out of rough water yet, but I think there is dry land ahead.
I learned long ago to take nothing in life for granted. Abandoned more than a few times since childhood leaves that imprint on ones heart.
As the rain pours and the wind rattles windows I am grateful to have a roof over my head and blankets to keep warm. I've been doing a lot of cooking lately and the place smells rich and home-like because of it. I've been remembering the events of this life of mine going back to 2006, mystified at having survived all that was thrown at me during that time. With all that went down between 06 and 07, I have one regret - and it's not what one would think.
Not the 30-year relationship. Not the slow, deceitful way it ended. Not even the lies. Not the road from homeowner to homeless person. No, not even the surgeries, drugs, or health set-backs. Those tests were given and I passed. The lessons were learned. How? I do not know. No, really, I DON'T! I guess something genetic instinctively kicks in when needed and takes over. As the song goes:
Good times and bum times
I've seen them all, and my dear
I'm still here.
Plush velvet sometimes
Sometimes just pretzels and beer,
But, I'm here...
OK, well, Pretzels and Martinis, actually, but you get the idea.
It's amazing that I can hold my own in the workplace with guys less than half my age; working two jobs 6 or 7 days weekly for the past 7 months not only surprises them, but myself. One tangible result of all that work is the balances on the medical bills are dropping faster than I thought possible. Can I get an AMEN?
The one regret is the vast amount of time spent in states of shock, worry and anxiety - some of which can be attributed to Prednisone and other fun drugs. Oh, I still have bouts at times and there is still great stress, but I hope I am better at handling it now. After all, at my age life is supposed to be settled and the living easier. That's not likely in the stars for me. All in all, life is better now that I am no longer in a toxic relationship, but rather living honestly and taking care of my needs for a change.
Do I miss the trappings and creature comforts of my previous life? Initially, yes. Not anymore.
And so it goes.
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I am reminded by your posts of comments during my lifetime by many sources about the amount of our energy and our own resources (physical, emotional, and financial) that we consume in our anger, resentment, etc. We free ourselves to live when we are able to let those things go.
ReplyDeleteAMEN!!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy your blog Cajun. Your honesty about life is refreshing but yet has a sense of humor. I believe humor is one of the traits that got you thru your trials & tribulations. Keep up the good work. You are an inspiration to others!
Fran
Lem: The first thing I was told as the break-up was in full swing was "you have to hate him for what he has done." My response was 'how can I suddenly hate someone I have loved for 30 years?' Following the numbness I did get angry, but I channeled it to aid in my healing. Thanks for your input.
ReplyDeleteFran: Thanks for your comment. I believe as you do that humor gets us through most difficult times. There is nothing like a good laugh to lighten our personal image of ourselves and the present circumstances. Thanks for the visit, as well.
and so it goes - may it go into something new and marvelous for you.
ReplyDelete