From the Edge of My Bed...

The past several days have been a painful haze. I don’t even remember publishing yesterday’s post. 

I’ve been flirting with fevers of up to 105 (highest is 104.6 so far)  but for some reason last night, my body threatened to drown me as the fever finally lost it’s battle for supremacy - where I was at 103.5 at one instant then 99.1 a few minutes later. 

Taking deep, full, breaths was suddenly very painful and I didn’t know where I was or what was happening to me.  Turns out I am still in the same room, same hospital, a 3-day fever finally broke, and there was increased activity all around me.

Turns out I have a darling case of Pneumonia and there is a lump of something in my right lung - lower lobe.  Haven’t eaten in 3 days - only ensure, sherbet, and ice cream - so I’m pretty weak.  

The battle of the fevers is caused by the tumor fevers and the pneumonia fevers - and I am stuck in the middle.  No fair!

Temperature remains 99.F and I am scheduled for a Barium Milkshake this morning in an effort to find out where that lump has come from.  This means, of course, that my first hours feeling well enough to eat food is denied me until after the test. So, what’s a few more hours?

Linda is in Ireland today. Before leaving yesterday, she stopped by bringing me fresh clean underwear and a few snacks I hope to enjoy later today. She talked about emptying my apartment, since I won’t ever live there again, told me of possible living spaces she has feelers out for and even though I was still in a fever fog, before leaving for the airport I know she sat next to me on the bed, held my hand, looked me straight in the eye and said, “I Love You Wayne!”

We’ve never used such language in the past, but she said it, meant it, even kissed me on the cheek before heading out the door. Touched, stunned, surprised, disbelieving, and so many more feeling welled up inside of me. I curled up and cried like a newborn babe.  I felt empty and full at the same time Hard to describe in this drug induced state. I’ve never heard those words spoken in quite that way in my life.

Anyway, it’s 4 am, on Thursday morning EDT and I am actually sitting on the side of my bed feeling strong enough to write at least a little of what’s been a nightmare here. 

Doors are closing rapidly, but others are opening very slowly, if at all. I hope for more positive change by the weekend.  Time will tell.

I’l try to get to email and check out comments as I feel well enough.  I never thought just the act of checking email would be so consuming and overwhelming.  But it is, Blanche,  It is!

I’ll trying being more consistent in writing, but make no promises. I’m tired already and 4 hours still remain before the test and the possibility of food after that.

And so it goes.

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