Dark & Stormy Halloween and Visit to Hell

Sassy commented; “when you’re going through hell, keep on going.” Well, in the past I’ve been told that I do that, but also have a tendency to stop and take a long look around before moving on.  I suppose it’s like there are times I truly ‘want’ to remember and consider, so as not to miss anything.  Sick, no?

Lungs are clear - no more pneumonia. Blood count is up (without outside intervention) - I am no longer in isolation. Though the port is still accessed, I am no longer receiving any IV fluids - I can walk freely without dragging around that cumbersome “tree of life” with me.  No more oxygen necessary - lungs are at almost full strength and capacity.

The vicious red, fungal rash on my legs and feet is finally disappearing.  Having been properly diagnosed a week ago, the correct meds applied, the skin is just about back to it’s original color and the itching is all but gone.  Now I hope I can wear long trousers, since it is Autumn here, after all. The rash doesn’t take to being rubbed against heavy fabrics and is barely content with a light sheet covering them at night.  

Waiting for PT to sign off on my ability to climb stairs without adverse reaction. Considering the restrictions set in play in my last post.  Still, something is better than nothing - most of the time.

Rumor has it that I might get sprung either today or tomorrow if the stars and planets align properly and that I may just be able to return to my old apartment while I search for a place on the ground floor. To transmigrate at a future date…

We shall see. 

I had a delightful student nurse with me all day making sure I did all I was supposed to do as well as keeping me company. Abby did a wonderful job and will be with me again today for 4 or 5 hours. I look forward to the diversion since she’s a delightful walking companion as well. 

The locos guys are in Mexico today, Linda is working a double which means I won’t see much of her today or tomorrow. In honor of Halloween I did ask her to bring in a few boxes of decorated cupcakes for the nurse staff this morning. My fear is the staff will arrive in morbid costumes and we won't be able to tell them from the real patients.  Should be an interesting day.

Linda has promised me a 'Dark & Stormy’ when I finally get out of here.  So, the sooner, the better!

I've got to run over and see if the lovely and talented Dr.Spo has done my reading as promised.  Then I'm ready for breakfast and the rest of the fabulous day in Spa Beebe in beautiful downtown Lewes, Delaware. Don't hate.  It's how I roll.

And so it goes.

*

Life and Death are Simply Wearing Me Out!

Things on the apartment search are moving quickly, too quickly to keep up with. Two of the

apartments found on Craigslist have already been taken, am waiting to hear about 2 others. Learned that moving in with someone with pets would be borderline acceptable.  No cats, birds, ferrets, etc.  Only dogs that are primarily indoor pets, are clean, will stay off my bed, etc., will be considered

Another evaluation by the PT folks today, one more tomorrow, and now they’re talking about allowing me to return to my 2nd. floor apartment temporarily as I continue to search for one on the ground level.

The catch is that I’d be allowed up and down the stairs once daily and my occupational therapy would be limited.  Though in what ways I do not know.

My case manager is doing her damnedest to keep me in the medicaid link so that I am eligible for additional long term home health aid. She spent half her day on the phone on my behalf today.  Every time I see her my personal file, usually tucked under her arm, gets thicker and thicker. 

Medicaid sent a 1/4 inch thick survey/questionnaire to Linda that she was supposed to complete and return before this weekend. Problem is that she has no access to most of the requested documents while most of other info seems to have nothing to do with her role as my POA.  Gave it all to the Case Manager, Suzanne today. She didn’t bat an eyelash. I would have been bonkers in that situation. 

If I am released from here soon, the first thing on my gay agenda is updating, sorting, and reformatting all the medical documents, then put them all in one easy-to-reach place for quick access. 

The second thing is to prepare the paperwork to make Linda the Executor of my estate. I thought that was one of the documents we took care of 3 weeks ago, but that wasn’t the case. POA ends when my life does.  Clearly, that’s not good enough.

Gather more data about assisted living opportunities and their costs.  Seems this is one of those loose ended gambits that varies from state to state, usually with the person needing assisted living getting virtually fucked (and not in a nice way) due to loopholes and financial shell games.

A new Cell Phone Carrier.  If this current experience has shown me anything it’s that good cell coverage is important in critical situations like this. I need a more reliable carrier and I find that Verizon is the best around.   Though their level of suckitude is beyond measure, they do have to most reliable network around here. Granted, I’ll be paying over half again what I’m paying now, but what I am paying didn’t produce a signal or wifi for texting. Time to bite the bullet.

Probably the most pressing issue about being back in my own space is the inability to clean, do laundry, mop, dust, scrub, change sheets, etc., on my own. I know it will be almost impossible now, but Linda has told me not to worry. If the Home Health person doesn’t do it, she will see that it gets done, somehow.

Having been laid up for a month I have no idea what I can and cannot do for myself anymore or how much stamina I will have when sprung initially.  Still, Linda says I am not to worry.  So I won’t worry. Well, maybe just a little.

There were two huge dark chocolate bars waiting for me when I woke up this morning. No note or card. Just one 60% cacao and the other 85% - 100 grams each.The have to be from one of the nurses, but from the night crew from last evening or someone from the day crew today. And, no one will tell me.

I’ll find out sooner or later - or not. Meanwhile I will enjoy the chocolate and thank the Universe that such a kind person thought of me.

And so it goes.

*

Vandals, Vitals, and The Boogie Man

Vandals set off the fire alarm on the floor making the scene look like something from a Three Stooges movie.

An elderly patient died a little while ago, sending the already over-wrought nursing staff caring for her into a tailspin. My room could have used a couple of bottles of wine to help deal with the pain. I don’t know the person, those who did loved her to death.  Literally.

Ron (Retired in Delaware) paid a visit having read yesterday’s post he thought it was safe and I’d not be groggy or asleep. He was right. That didn’t happen until later in the afternoon.  My own fault. I tried to do too much in one day.  Pain meds helped take the edge off in the afternoon and evening.

Linda brought Chinese food for lunch as we scanned the papers for year-round apartment rental ads.  Making phone calls between bites quickly became tedious, so we settled on eating first before returning to the search.

Apartment hunting eventually took me to Craigslist where I found 3 possibilities. Having never been to the list, it took a while to navigate the site and learn the shortcuts.  Still not sure I know many of them, it is a strange place, indeed.

Three days to go on antibiotics, the pneumonia should be pretty much gone and I ought to be free to go - if my blood numbers keep up to speed.  Trouble is, no where to go - yet. Back on oxygen to further clear up the crackles in the lungs and am now using a new device that looks like something between a bong and a killing tool from Star Wars. It is supposed to strengthen the lung capacity.

Took another walk this morning and the thing must be working because I wasn’t short of breath or dizzy when I returned to the room. Oxygen level remained at 96%, so I guess I’m doing something right. 

All things considered, it’s a pleasure being in a place where every waking moment isn’t devoted to hyperventilating about the Ebola scare. From what I’ve read, not much I’l grant you, this is being hyped just like the H2N1 virus was a few years ago. No one seems to be as terrified as the media would like us to believe.

One can read 3 different news sites and come away with three different story lines.Nothing seems to be focused or presented without some mild hysteria.  Yeez! 

Reality, people.  Reality.

And so it goes.

*

Got to Admit It’s Getting Better…

...A little better, all the time.

I wake up every morning with a song in my head, I woke up singing this song this morning, so let’s hope it’s a good sign.

Second day without a fever, little appetite, and no news on the new digs front. I’ve been sleeping a little better, more relaxed; although I sometimes feel that I am sleeping away what last hours I may have in this life.  Still it’s good.

Two friends from my previous life visited and were subjected to the doctor’s tirade about my “living on borrowed time” but if it bothered them, it didn’t show. Personally I was relieved that he finally went public here in my room with strangers in attendance so that I could have a chat with the attending nursing staff. 

End of life issues will be openly discussed in this room from now on.  No more “we don’t talk of those things here.” I won’t have it. I’ll do my best to get well enough to get out and on my own, but without denying what lies ahead.  They will adjust or move on. My sensahumah remains intact, so don’t fuck with my life.

My friends had just left the Memorial Service for an old friend who passed away a few weeks ago. He was Ron’s (Retired in Delaware) lifelong buddy Big-Bob and he had many friends here. Of course, I was stuck here and in this frantic environment had forgotten the date. Before sleep took me, I brought back memories of some of the good times we had together, then said my good-bye, as well.

Received a phone call from regular reader, Calvin, the other evening (don’t ask which one).  It was a joy to chat with him, to give voice to the comments and kindness he’s shown.  

Linda returned from Ireland and stopped by on her way home yesterday. As is usual for her, she brought back an Irish Medical Kit containing 3 different bottles of Jameson’s - if I’m ever in need. (grin) Of course, that could be any minute, as I am sure you’ve guessed.

My room has become a sort of safe-haven for some of the nurses during their shift. If things get too hairy at their station, they just come in here, sit down, and we make fun of the world for a few minutes. This seems to help restore their sanity allowing them to face another hour or two.

One frazzled nurse came in looking quite scared. A drunk had just been dumped on her who happened to be going through violent withdrawal, threatening to beat her up if she didn’t let him up so he could find his “vodka to get his morning off right.” When he finally lunged for her, she took off and came over here.  I asked about the police and if there was a guard to protect her from this crazy guy. 

She leaned her head back, barked out a laugh and said, “yeah, there’s a guard. This guy is 6’4’’ and the little bitch guarding him is around 2’3”. What the hell can she do? Maybe she could hold onto his ankles as he dragged her around the room!” Then we both laughed at the image of the prisoner and guard together.  Then we laughed some more.

Want to thank Ann Marie & Todd in Philly for the lovely card. It was sent to the apartment about a month ago and I just got it yesterday.  Thanks for thinking of me.

I hope I have energy enough today to read (catchup on) some fave blogs. It’s been a long time. But don’t hold me to it. It’s far too easy to simply read a book on the Nexus7 and fall asleep as needed. I wouldn’t want to fall asleep, drop the laptop and break it. 

Maybe I’ll post again after I find out the current status of the blood work and the antibiotic infusion.

And so it goes.

*

Rigers, Oxygen, & Demerol

Bother!  It’s happened again.  Just when I thought I was getting a handle on the relationship between the fevers and the acute pain another new wrinkle is added to the mix.

At 1:30 this morning I was virtually flattened by a fever of 103! It came out of nowhere, sent nurses into quick action, left me sprawled, trembling with Rigers as they attempted to warm me up and make me comfortable. I also received another 6-pak of platelets. Which seemed to help, too.

No false alarm this time round (you know how tired I get just writing the same things over and over again?) only a real slam-bang slice of the nasties to ruin my night’s sleep and make the day miserable. I’m eating a little more, though not much. 

Bev-Ann, one of the best nurses at the center called this morning to say good-bye, seems she’s on her way to 3-weeks in Spain and wanted to tell me she missed me and hoped I was doing well.  Now how nice is that??

The rest of today has been more surprising than ever. As the sun tried to make an appearance through heavy cloud and rains, my energy level seemed to perk up and I was suddenly very hungry. 

After a moderate size breakfast - with 2 cups of coffee, mmd you! - I shaved and trimmed by beard (baby-fearsome is still thicker than I ever imagined. I set about doing a medi-wipes hand shower, followed by a good shampooing.  I’ve not been able to shave my head in almost a month, still can’t, but I was able to scrub it clean and feel refreshed.  More than I have in weeks.

Attacked all the paper work and updated mailings from credit cards, credit union, etc. It’s been sorted out and will go into the file cabinet when Linda returns this weekend. 

By lunch time I was hungry again, but only enough room for a soup, crackers, and some sherbet.  More than enough for me; it felt good not to waste food, too.

After lunch I knew I was done for the day and settled in to read a while.The pain was really bad, but so far, no fevers. A very good sign. Put on oxygen, grabbed an icepack for my upper back, slid under the covers and rested.

For some bizarre reason I feel a kind of calmness that some things are about to fall into place and I’ll be out of here soon.

The LocosGuys called with more cryptic questions and statements regarding my time frame for the move. They keep pointing to an apartment in a specific development, but won’t give me information, so I am not going to take in seriously as I continue to hunt for new digs. 

While I like the guys, this is no time for 20 questions, Truth or Consequences, or Jeopardy.  I need a place to live. No games! I have no time for games, and even less time for bullshit.

Now I await a happy painkiller to see e through.  

Here’s hoping for a peace filled, glorious night. The Seawitch Weekend begins tomorrow.

And so it goes.

*

Counting the Beats and Pain.

Three weeks and counting. The past few days have been confusing, astounding, and eventful.

Had a few visitors - folks brave enough to face what I look like without screaming into the wind and jumping into the ocean. A few of my doctors have dropped by just to check in. A couple of nurses and techs from the Center have also come by to check to make sure I’m still breathing.

This past weekend was Jazz Fest and, as usual, one of my fave bands were playing at the restaurant. Well, you can imagine my surprise when I received a phone call on the hospital phone from the leader of that band. He proceeded to inform the audience that I was on the phone (the collective reply was, “Hi Wayne, Get Well.” 

Tim then told me he was going to play 2 of my favorites back to back and wanted me to listen to the new arrangements he’d just worked out. I was both thrilled and embarrassed, but he put the phone down before I could voice a complaint or say another word.

Keep in mind that I didn’t have a high fever, but the pain level was through the roof. I have just been zapped with a painkiller and was halfway to happy town when the music began to flow. Autumn in New York drew me in right away allowing me to wallow in my own past images of NY in the Fall.  Great memories. There was great applause when it ended. I think he’t got another winner there.

He picked up the phone, asked my opinion, then before I could give a revise of my own, he launched into the second one.  I Happen to Like New York. I was totally blown away. Yes, of course, I was in tears when that one ended.  But what a treat for a shut-in on a cold autumn weekend.  I loved it.

Linda has called every day from Ireland to check in and make sure things are moving right along. I suppose they are, but achingly slowly at this point.

Two guys from the restaurant showed up last evening for a brief chat, while Nicole came by with bags of junk mail and other nonsense from the apartment.  She took the car out for a drive since it’s been over a month since I’ve done so.

No fever last night either, but great pain in legs and lower spine. I was given  an IV earlier but that’s worn off, so I am about to be put down with another IV push.

I wish I had more energy to sit up long enough to read through, and respond to your many comments.   Maybe tomorrow.

One day at a time, just one at a time.

And so it goes. 

The Old and News

Sitting up and at peace for the first time in a few days. From my window I can see the treetops from

the park nearby. It’s been interesting to watch the leaves change color and I am sure you’re thrilled with this information.

The news is a combination of old and new.  Extremely high fevers remain the order of the day; so destructive that when they’re over, I feel like I’ve been kicked down a flight of stairs and the rest of the day is pretty much a waste.

No visitors, but a call from Linda in Ireland every day has been quite a life-line. No news on the living space front either. Just more people looking out for me. Something has got to break on this one soon.

I met with my new Oncologist and feel very good about her. A new outlook and drug changes will begin happening on Monday. Aside from her, Dr. Scott (my future ex-husband) has jumped back into my case and all focus now seems centered on creating a better quality of life, for however long that may last. He has also chosen to continue with the pain medication (Fentanyl Patch) even upping the dosage slightly.

The pneumonia isn’t as annoying today, and so far, no fever lurking nearby. I’ve been hooked up to oxygen since last night, so I was dry and hoarse this morning, but water took care of that problem in no time. Scheduled for another 6-pak of platelets today, so I guess I'll be doing a lot more reading.

BTW, Some folks have said that their comments are not getting through and the only thing I can tell them is for some reason, comments that used to be directed to a special email account are now being posted by Blogger. I just found 15 comments and have posted to the blog. As with all things Blogger-related, there is no method or reason for this change, but I know now that there is one more place to hunt for comments now.

If you comments aren’t being posted it has nothing to do with my moderation. I haven’t had to delete a comment in a very long time. 

Not sure if this will make much sense, but too lazy to go over it all again. It is what it is.

Here’s to a beautiful weekend, and a bright beginning on Monday. I do need something positive in my heart today.

And so it goes.

*

From the Edge of My Bed...

The past several days have been a painful haze. I don’t even remember publishing yesterday’s post. 

I’ve been flirting with fevers of up to 105 (highest is 104.6 so far)  but for some reason last night, my body threatened to drown me as the fever finally lost it’s battle for supremacy - where I was at 103.5 at one instant then 99.1 a few minutes later. 

Taking deep, full, breaths was suddenly very painful and I didn’t know where I was or what was happening to me.  Turns out I am still in the same room, same hospital, a 3-day fever finally broke, and there was increased activity all around me.

Turns out I have a darling case of Pneumonia and there is a lump of something in my right lung - lower lobe.  Haven’t eaten in 3 days - only ensure, sherbet, and ice cream - so I’m pretty weak.  

The battle of the fevers is caused by the tumor fevers and the pneumonia fevers - and I am stuck in the middle.  No fair!

Temperature remains 99.F and I am scheduled for a Barium Milkshake this morning in an effort to find out where that lump has come from.  This means, of course, that my first hours feeling well enough to eat food is denied me until after the test. So, what’s a few more hours?

Linda is in Ireland today. Before leaving yesterday, she stopped by bringing me fresh clean underwear and a few snacks I hope to enjoy later today. She talked about emptying my apartment, since I won’t ever live there again, told me of possible living spaces she has feelers out for and even though I was still in a fever fog, before leaving for the airport I know she sat next to me on the bed, held my hand, looked me straight in the eye and said, “I Love You Wayne!”

We’ve never used such language in the past, but she said it, meant it, even kissed me on the cheek before heading out the door. Touched, stunned, surprised, disbelieving, and so many more feeling welled up inside of me. I curled up and cried like a newborn babe.  I felt empty and full at the same time Hard to describe in this drug induced state. I’ve never heard those words spoken in quite that way in my life.

Anyway, it’s 4 am, on Thursday morning EDT and I am actually sitting on the side of my bed feeling strong enough to write at least a little of what’s been a nightmare here. 

Doors are closing rapidly, but others are opening very slowly, if at all. I hope for more positive change by the weekend.  Time will tell.

I’l try to get to email and check out comments as I feel well enough.  I never thought just the act of checking email would be so consuming and overwhelming.  But it is, Blanche,  It is!

I’ll trying being more consistent in writing, but make no promises. I’m tired already and 4 hours still remain before the test and the possibility of food after that.

And so it goes.

*

October 11, 2014

October, 12, 2014

Platelets were low so they ordered a 6-pak for this morning. All went well at first. Now the Fever has returned at 101.4 and I felt it coming. Truly bizarre. Nurses raced for the Tylenol and Demerol push. 

Within 10 minutes I was resting, though very hot to the touch. Burning eyes and a splitting headache. Very depressing since I’ve been doing so well of late. 

No internal bleeding from the side effect scare yesterday, so that’s a good thing. 

I just noticed that there are 2 bath tissue dispensers in my bathroom.  One feeds over the top, while the other feeds from underneath.  I guess they try to keep everyone satisfied, whatever your preference. At least that’s my theory.

Before the fever struck today I was able to clean up a bit and trim around my beard. Unfortunately, I have no trimmer on hand, so I’m beginning to look like Fearsome Beard, though I don’t think it looks as good on me as it does on him.  It makes me chuckle whenever I pass the mirror.

Of course I usually chuckle when I see myself in the mirror these days, anyway. I look and feel like a different person. I don’t know how to explain it, exactly, but it’s a kind of release, and relief to see how I look physically, these days. 

Tired and drained at times, but none the worse for wear at others. If you get my drift.  

Don't know when I will rite again.  Life is not good at all right now.

Good (and Bad) News:

Only minor pain overnight and mostly in the leg muscles and upper back.  Felt like I was beaten with a heavy log in both places. Pain meds helped both times. 

Developed an allergic reaction to an ant-acid script that caused upset stomach that could possibly set off internal bleeding…waiting to see. In my condition, any bleeding is dangerous.

Lab results show another drop in platelets, so I will be receiving another unit today.  Not much interests in food today, either. A few biscuits with butter and honey, coffee and an Ensure were all I could handle so far.

Little bit of fever, just enough to create a scare, set off alarm bells. Took the meds and so far, so good. Hasn’t gone any higher in an hour. Got everything crossed.

Took a nap this afternoon that included a dream about a new living space. It was near the water on the bay. Of course, the dream included a miraculous sun set before the sweet voice of the nurse assistant woke me gently.

In reality there is no news of the new living quarters front at all today. Something has got to happen soon I can’t stay here much longer and they can’t release me to the apartment on the second floor.  Pitcher meet stone - Stone meet pitcher.

No visitors on this dark, rainy Autumn day, was hoping there might be to help pass the time. A couple of phone calls came in. Being on the pain meds it’s just as well I haven’t anyone to entertain.  Of course, I would love a festive cocktail at a Happy Hour somewhere, but I’ll just let that continue to be a dream, something to look forward to somewhere down this crazy road.

I am finally sporting the DNR bracelet and feel better for it. Confusion or mix ups can now be avoided.  

DNR = Do Not Resuscitate

Now that the Advanced Directives are in place, I needed that to be completely covered in any event.;

And so it goes.

*

Feeling the Power

It’s friday and I’ve been in hospital for 10 days. The first 6 reside in a mist of pain, anger and high

fevers. A mighty powerful cocktail. I am amazed I’ve held my own for much of that time. It was probably sheer determination.

An all out effort is being made, or so I’m told, to find a place for me to live that is at ground level so I may still take advantage of the resources and support of the hospital and its programs for in-home care. It needs to be walker and wheelchair accessible. I’ll be perfectly happy with only a room and a bathroom, it’s really all I need, anyway. So far, nothing new on that front.

I want to get a new cell phone carrier because the Sprint Network isn’t very good here - neither 3 or 4G - while all visitors with either Verizon or AT&T can send and received text messages and voice calls from my room, I cannot do so with Sprint.

I tried various ways of getting a new service yesterday, but to no avail. I wanted to have the new phone shipped to the hospital (since they must be signed for) and that wouldn’t do.  They don’t like  different ship to and bill to addresses. Attempts both by phone and online were unsuccessful and I can’t leave the hospital to be at the apartment to sign for a mere cell phone. Work on this front will continue today.

End-of-Life issues were addressed yesterday with positive input by all involved - for once! Kept the Notary busy for the best part of an hour and had a room full of witnesses to get the paperwork done and out of the way. I felt great relief when all that was signed, sealed and delivered.

Sidekick, Debbie, arrived from the hinterlands to visit and doubled her efforts by being a witness on the legal documents. Linda was here, of course. Nicole showed up with more snack-stuff (what do you expect, she’s Italian!) and a fave nurse stopped by for a few minutes before he had to attend a meeting

Spiked one fever yesterday so that was clearly a step forward. Pain was also diminished for most of the day. PT arrived for our daily walk and I do believe I had more energy than she did. 

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!

The appetite is no stronger and the sense of taste hasn’t improved, but I eat what I can - not much - then there are all those snacks…

Today I will continue to finagle a way to a new cell carrier, and continue preparations for Linda’s trip to Ireland next week. I hope to have everything - all the little bits and pieces that the legal eagles demand that can drive one to distraction - in place before her flight leaves next Wednesday.  By that time I hope to have news regarding new digs, a place to call home.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts, prayers, and good wishes. Each and every one makes me feel just that much more human. You have no idea how much it means to me.

And so it goes.

A Note From Hell

Two CT Scans again yesterday, this time to find out if anything grows within my head or chest. (Think of Fungus.) Find out the results today.

Patient Care Services will be sending someone to chat today - if I can keep the fevers down - to plan for my needs if I am released. No, they’re not sure that’s going to happen until they see the numbers. And what degree of “mobile” I’ll have moving on.

Only spiked a single fever last night and I feel stronger today. Although walking is difficult, I tire easily, and the calves hurt almost immediately, if I build walking strength does’t mean I will be free of a wheel chair.  Grim future, that is.

The Locos Guys were in for a long visit yesterday, as was a friend from the previous life. The visit with the locos guys was fun and serious at the same time. They are still holding my job for me and really wish I was back. Seems they’ve had a homophobia issue with new summer staff this year.  And no one to turn it around.

It was great to visit and catch up on the daily goings on at the restaurant and good to know they would have me back, if I could ever return.  That’s a few positive things to draw strength from right there. Today I received a massive flower arrangement from the guys and the staff.  Nice touch. Made me cry.  Jeez, what a sap!

Yesterday was a carousel of medicine changes. Two of which I had never heard about before. They’ve also changed the doses and times of the pain meds, so I don’t have to writhe in pain for the in-between  extra hours.  Spreading it out in smaller dosages for shorter periods of time proved workable for me yesterday and last night.

Woke up once and received the pain drugs quickly and returned to sleep right away before the pain could get a firm hold and shake the shit out of me. See, I’m even getting a handle on Med-speak. (grin)

I’m learning more about the pecking order in hospitals than I ever needed to know. It’s a dirty business and it seems that by my recent actions, I’ve upset the balance and a few are unhappy. It will be a stand alone story when I feel well enough to write it, not today.

Let’s just say that I dismissed the duty doctor and leave it there for now.

Working with Patient Services this afternoon ti sort out Power of Attorney & End of Life Directives.  And whatever else they may think important. I know have the right person to handle that stuff now.  I’m in good hands.

Stuck here for a few ore days, at least. Cannot be I be released as long as I cannot take care of myself in my own place. Tomorrow is another day, believe it or not.

It is what it is.

And so it goes.

*

Just a Thought: Pain

Maybe.

I'm Here. Just Don't Aske Me Where "Here" is.

Still in hospital, same room since admitted on Oct. 1.

Nightmares do not only happen at night.  When the pain strikes it's a real screamer. When the fevers take hold (usually 2 or 3 times daily) I cannot move at all. Can't hold up my own weight. I am in a magic bed that has a massage mechanism to prevent bed sores.. thrilling, that.  Since I am prone to fall due to weakness,  the bed can also be a tattletail. An alarm will sound if I try to get out of bed without assistance. I feel pretty safe when I feel anything at all.

Fevers spiking to 103.5 have left me totally drained. I cannot go home while they're happening.

Probably unable to go home at all to a second-story apartment. I will need at least a walker, possibly a wheelchair.

There are rumors of an assisted living option, but the specialists don't believe that will be enough.

One visitor only since arrival.  That's all I can stand.  Good friend.

Due to the arrogance and stupidity of a new physician, I almost bought the farm the other night. For the next 2 days I wish I had.

And so it goes.

Back to the E R

To all you friends and commenters, thanks from the bottom of my heart for your humor, thoughts and prayers.  It’s hard to put into words how they lift me up. 

When the pain is outrageously bad, it’s soothing to think of Sassy Bear holding my hand.  

Yesterday came and went with little change here. The joint pain made me too weak to move around without holding on to something. Fortunately, in my cigar box size apartment everything is within a few feet of everything else. Sometimes even that distance is too much.

Two painkillers made a tiny dent in the pain that shook me to the core.  Barely able to stand, I even had to pee sitting down - then it was a chore to get up again, so I gave that up.

I think I have made the connection between the joint pain and fever. When the fever was at its highest yesterday at 102.F  all movement was excruciating. 

(yes, I know, I was supposed to call 911 if the temp got that high, but I just couldn’t do it)

I took a high dose of tylenol, 2 benadryl, and 2 painkillers, then crawled into bed fighting off chills. I lay on my back very still - thinking about that kiss on the forehead offered by Fearsome -  and eventually sleep took me. I don’t remember a thing. No dreams or anything, which is very strange for me - I dream all the time.

When I woke up I was soaking wet as was everything near or on me. I noticed the pain was gone immediately. Got out of the wet things, dried off, brushed my teeth and headed to the kitchen for an Ensure.  The pain in my joints was gone.

After cleaning up I moved to the dry side of the bed and read, feeling more relaxed and relieved. The sheets will get changed soon enough, but not now. Eventually I slept, but again, no dreams. 

Another high fever has hit, so I guess I’m off to the ER anyway. I am hardly ambulatory at this point.

It is what it is and I’ll take it as it comes. 

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Back to the ER