Queen of Swords

Drew this as the card of the day and while I’ve drawn her many times over the years, her true meaning just slapped me in the head. I’ve just come to recognize my own Queen of Swords.  It’s Linda! She is everything described and no matter where she appears in a reading she is always true to her nature.

Interesting this, because I just learned that Linda must return to Ireland this weekend.  This time for a health check of her own. The mammogram performed on her last visit (she keeps her Irish health insurance since the cost of similar American coverage is prohibitive) has shown a couple of anomalies. She wanted to wait a few weeks until things settled down with the restaurant and with my situation, but her wee mother put her tiny foot down, so her flight leaves Saturday evening. 

She’ll  have the series of tests on Monday with results returned the Monday following, so barring any immediate health issue, she should be back in the States on or about the 20th. of November. 

She’s worried about me getting the healthcare I need. I have labs again next Thursday 13, November,  followed by an office visit with the Oncologist on Friday the 14th. 

I insisted that with the daily progress I’m making, I ought to be able to drive myself both days; they’re a week away after all. 

I think all will be well by then, but convincing a stubborn Irish Lass (yes, she takes after her Mum!) will take some doing.  Still, it is what it is and I’ve had more personal care than I ever thought possible over these past weeks, so whatever…I’ve been blessed.

After all that said and done, the afternoon at DL has been postponed for today. I’ve become weaker throughout the day with the pain increasing in my legs and back, as well.  Some other time will have to do. I don’t want to over-reach or push myself only to end up with a relapse and another hospital stay.

I am not ready for that again.

I am amazed.

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The Post-Election Blues

Seems everybody’s got ‘em.  My mailbox has been crammed with whiney, sniveling messages from Liberal and Democratic groups about this being the end of the world now that the obstructionist Stoopids are back in control.

Two things here:

1.  It will take them less than the next 2 years to fuck up everything that has been good and positive for the country.

2.  Where were these pundits and consultants when Nate Silver warned of this happening as early as a year ago?  (click image to embiggen!)  No one chose to believe him, though his record speaks for itself.  He’s not an “I told you so” kind of guy.  He just does what he does best - numbers - and the powers that be chose to ignore him.  And, at their (our) own peril. 

Ah, and number 3:  Get ready for another war. One doesn’t need to watch TV to see that’s high on their agenda.

When I saw the crowds at the polls on election day I was alternately happy and worried; an off-year election after all and we didn’t have too much brewing in the pot this time.  I wasn’t surprised at the outcome. 

OK, Here’s the deal.  This election disaster is over.  Flush the fucking Pity-Potty and move on.  After a half century of activism I am most tired of saying this, but there is more work to do than ever. And, it is in our own party. It’s time to get fearless and fierce with those applying for elected office. 

If we don’t. If we choose to let it go and let others do it, well, we’re going to have to live in the world THEY decide we should live in.

Do you want that?  Think hard.  If not, then get your ass, head, and mouth motivated and move on. There is little time before the 2016 con-game bullshit begins to hit the fan.

If you’re miserable you have yourself to blame, if you’re into that sort of thing. So, STFU!!! Cut out the crying, whining, and hand-wringing - IT’S OVER - - FOR NOW!

Help me down off this soapbox.

More later.

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Day Six: Homefront

Rain, Strain, and Transfusion…Mostly

Rain and mild temperatures for a November day made me tired and lethargic.

Perhaps due to the rain and high humidity the pain in the ankles, legs, and hips got my attention. Hated to do it, going outdoors, being infused and all that, but relief was definitely required.

Linda dropped me off at the Center and ran a few errands; The transfusion went smoothly and quickly. 2 hours later after picking up the prescriptions she delivered me home and I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Five minutes later there was a to-do list that kept me occupied for the rest of the afternoon. Yes, instead of lying around doing my best imitation of a slug, I chose to be at least a little productive. The hours flew by and that was a good thing.

Spending as much time in bed (reading or sleeping) as I do, it was suggested that I find a “V shaped bed pillow” to keep me propped up without getting a stiff neck or causing more damage to my spine. 

Didn’t find any listings here in the states - the “wedge” seems to be the hot item here - but they’re popular in the UK, so I went hunting there. There were listings-o-plenty from Marks & Spencer and Dunelm Mills, to small stores specializing only in sleep and rest aids. M & S and Dunelm were out of stock (I said they were popular!) and I was getting disappointed until I came across a Google listing for Slumberdown at Amazon.uk.

Surprisingly good prices, too. Checked availability and shipping status - in stock, delivery in about 10 days - then placed the order.   This completed the items on the to-do list, I was feeling smug and hungry.

There is a tentative plan to get me to Dos Locos tomorrow afternoon for a late lunch/early supper. The idea is for someone to pick me up here around 2:30, enjoy a nice meal with the gang, then Jeffrey will deliver me home when he gets off at 4:30 - hopefully after we share an after-shift cocktail together, that is.

Sounds like a plan to me and something to look forward to just before the holiday weekend when I’ll  again revert to shut-in for 3 days. After the progress made this week, I won’t mind it one bit.

I am amazed.

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Throwback Thursday: Rehoboth Beach

Rehoboth Beach Boardwalk, Spring/Summer of 1992. The year the first townhome was purchased as a summer rental and 3-season get-a-way.

Rehoboth: North Shores - Whiskey Beach, 1992. Mostly gay folks with and without kids. No tourists. Not crowded and before the era of cell phones - quiet. No snack bar so you brought your own and carried your refuse out of the park with you.

More later.
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Not Worthy, and Other Bull$hit

Received a phone call this morning from a whining, nasally voiced, arrogant bitch with an attitude for days.  Seems it has come to her attention that I have not yet moved into ground floor quarters therefore she is punishing me by withholding Occupational Therapy at Home. 

Oh sweet Christ on a cracker!  I am unworthy of her care and attention!!! How do I put this gently? The harpy is clearly off her feed or meds, not sure which.  Bless her heart!

She sounded more like Miss Francis from Ding Dong School (I’ll wager no one will remember who that is.) on Speed than a medical professional, but I let her rant and purge, stomp her feet and reprimand for a good 5 minutes.  Finally referred her to the Oncologist and Infectious Disease specialist. Enuf.  STFU, lady!

Sure it may take longer these days, I do believe I can change my clothes, wash dishes, bathe the scrawny old body, tie my shoe laces, and even prepare my own meals if needed.  So I told her to go and blow goats, in the most Christian way, of course.

Linda picked me up for the Center appointment; ; the Lab results showed that I require a single unit of whole blood. This has been scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:30 - Linda will also drop me off and pick me up again tomorrow. 

While we were out, we stopped by her house and she weighed me down with more of her Stew, which is a heavenly treat. (No one can say she's not doing her part to fatten me up.)We also stopped so she could do a bit of banking, then dropped off yet another prescription (I still had a small supply left here, so I didn’t rush to fill all the scripts last weekend) and was told that the other pain patch ordered had not yet arrived today as promised.  So, both will be picked up tomorrow after infusion.

By this time we were both hungry, chose to dine out for breakfast/lunch, and sort through some of the Medicare papers she’s received already this week.  If only they were as quick to settle claims as they are to send bills and demands for completed questionnaires this would be a far, far simpler world to live in. 

Just as with the last batch of bull$hit Linda received, many questions couldn’t be answered because the documentation is only available in my own files.  Jeez!  These people are such Gits!

For the second day of a row, I’ve spent 2 - 3 hours out and about. Again, it felt deliciously good even if I do get a bit wobbly after the first hour and a half. My strength will build, albeit slowly and eventually I’ll be able to drive myself and even master more of a comfortable walking gait or stride.

For now, someone will be here to help me up and down the stairs; bring up whatever packages or bags are in tow. This is all very strange for someone who has been such an independent person for so many years. I am not used to being pampered and I guess it shows.

Sometimes I feel like a toddler and other times feel blessed that those helping hands are here for me.

I am amazed.

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Today’s Tarot Nudge

Another Challenge. Facing it. This card has come up often in the year since the diagnosis. Always a tough call.

Don’t know if I’ve strength enough right now. There it is, whatever choice I make.

Amazing.

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New Month, New Day, New Tarot Cards.

I was amused, though not shocked by theTarot Card for the Month of November.

I was quite taken aback, however, by the card for today, 4 November, 2014. Both are on the money. That said, I am still waiting for my reading from Dr. Spo, unless he sent it and it went into the junk drawer.

I am slowly getting used to being back in the real world and though I tire easily I find I can accomplish more than I imagined. My body clock is still wacky - waking up for meds in the middle of the night and all that - but it’s slowly getting back to it’s own rhythm. 

The visiting nurse showed up yesterday to check my vitals and check my overall outlook for the future.  Big mistake, that. Her patient information was riddled with inconsistencies and outdated medication data. I had to bring her up to date. Two hours later, she was out the door with a promise to return next Monday to check progress and perhaps discharge me as her patient.

Hospital fashion accessories.

Unpacked most things from the hospital, called for an appointment for Lab work at the Cancer Center on Wednesday morning, and promptly needed bed rest.  Not that strong yet. Slept through until 3:30 am today.

Felt stronger this morning; friend Jeffrey took me to the Polls - yes I voted and surprisingly it was crowded - then we decided to go out to breakfast. A first time for me in many months, and most enjoyable for us both. Gave me a chance to be out and about while we caught up on news and local politics as I realized I didn't have to wear the isolation mask, and had a pretty strong appetite for a change. It’s about time. Seems I’ve lost over 30 pounds, not the 20 pounds I had suspected. 

While he had me out and about anyway, he took me to do some light grocery shopping for things that fill in the gaps, like (canned/frozen) fruit, puddings, bagels, ice cream, juices, and even some cheese. I have been craving spicy sausage, cheese, and crackers.  Now I’ve got it.

After over 3 hours it was time to get back. The legs took to wobbling and balance began to go west, if you get my drift. So, he brought me home, brought the groceries upstairs, and helped me put the refrigerated items away before he headed back to the polls where he is on call this afternoon and evening.

Linda’s had car trouble, so I doubt I’ll see her today, but we have talked by phone and text. I’ve offered her my car, but she’s ignored the suggestion. I guess she’s afraid it might be needed in an emergency if I needed to go back to hospital. I don't see that happening right now.

She has taken it upon herself to organize every aspect of my daily recovery and I cannot tell you how comforting it is to know that. She sent over another container of her rich, meaty Irish stew yesterday, so I have another 2 home made meals that only require heating up for a minute or two. Nice.

I have part of a rotisserie chicken left and just might scrape up the energy to make a chicken noodle soup later in the week.

It is a perfect Autumn day with temps in the 50s - 60s, which is good luck for me. With the rash on my feet and legs it’s impossible to wear long trousers, my street clothes consisted of cargo shorts, long sleeve shirt and Dos Locos Hoodie. I was toasty enough and the cool air felt good on the rash and legs. 

Now, I’ve gotten out of the street clothes and into sweats, am about to crawl under the covers, maybe enjoy a nap. A lot was accomplished today in a short time, it seems more like a whole day has passed, it's only mid-day.

I am amazed.

*

Awake

Arrived. 

Late afternoon.

At the old apartment.  don’t ask.

Weak, elated, overwhelmed confused.

Walking in the open a startling contrast to walking hallways. 

New Meds to supersede old Meds.  No energy to sort it out then.

Clean apartment.  Clean, fresh sheets.

Cold and bewildered. Very weak.

Had a cup of soup and was put to bed.

Glorious sleep.

Awake now. Time to unpack, regroup and reassess.
Only just realized that the clocks weren't turned back one hour. Bother!

Too early for such activity. Rest more.

So much to write about. Get thoughts organized first.

I am still here. 

Amazing.

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Dark & Stormy Halloween and Visit to Hell

Sassy commented; “when you’re going through hell, keep on going.” Well, in the past I’ve been told that I do that, but also have a tendency to stop and take a long look around before moving on.  I suppose it’s like there are times I truly ‘want’ to remember and consider, so as not to miss anything.  Sick, no?

Lungs are clear - no more pneumonia. Blood count is up (without outside intervention) - I am no longer in isolation. Though the port is still accessed, I am no longer receiving any IV fluids - I can walk freely without dragging around that cumbersome “tree of life” with me.  No more oxygen necessary - lungs are at almost full strength and capacity.

The vicious red, fungal rash on my legs and feet is finally disappearing.  Having been properly diagnosed a week ago, the correct meds applied, the skin is just about back to it’s original color and the itching is all but gone.  Now I hope I can wear long trousers, since it is Autumn here, after all. The rash doesn’t take to being rubbed against heavy fabrics and is barely content with a light sheet covering them at night.  

Waiting for PT to sign off on my ability to climb stairs without adverse reaction. Considering the restrictions set in play in my last post.  Still, something is better than nothing - most of the time.

Rumor has it that I might get sprung either today or tomorrow if the stars and planets align properly and that I may just be able to return to my old apartment while I search for a place on the ground floor. To transmigrate at a future date…

We shall see. 

I had a delightful student nurse with me all day making sure I did all I was supposed to do as well as keeping me company. Abby did a wonderful job and will be with me again today for 4 or 5 hours. I look forward to the diversion since she’s a delightful walking companion as well. 

The locos guys are in Mexico today, Linda is working a double which means I won’t see much of her today or tomorrow. In honor of Halloween I did ask her to bring in a few boxes of decorated cupcakes for the nurse staff this morning. My fear is the staff will arrive in morbid costumes and we won't be able to tell them from the real patients.  Should be an interesting day.

Linda has promised me a 'Dark & Stormy’ when I finally get out of here.  So, the sooner, the better!

I've got to run over and see if the lovely and talented Dr.Spo has done my reading as promised.  Then I'm ready for breakfast and the rest of the fabulous day in Spa Beebe in beautiful downtown Lewes, Delaware. Don't hate.  It's how I roll.

And so it goes.

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Life and Death are Simply Wearing Me Out!

Things on the apartment search are moving quickly, too quickly to keep up with. Two of the

apartments found on Craigslist have already been taken, am waiting to hear about 2 others. Learned that moving in with someone with pets would be borderline acceptable.  No cats, birds, ferrets, etc.  Only dogs that are primarily indoor pets, are clean, will stay off my bed, etc., will be considered

Another evaluation by the PT folks today, one more tomorrow, and now they’re talking about allowing me to return to my 2nd. floor apartment temporarily as I continue to search for one on the ground level.

The catch is that I’d be allowed up and down the stairs once daily and my occupational therapy would be limited.  Though in what ways I do not know.

My case manager is doing her damnedest to keep me in the medicaid link so that I am eligible for additional long term home health aid. She spent half her day on the phone on my behalf today.  Every time I see her my personal file, usually tucked under her arm, gets thicker and thicker. 

Medicaid sent a 1/4 inch thick survey/questionnaire to Linda that she was supposed to complete and return before this weekend. Problem is that she has no access to most of the requested documents while most of other info seems to have nothing to do with her role as my POA.  Gave it all to the Case Manager, Suzanne today. She didn’t bat an eyelash. I would have been bonkers in that situation. 

If I am released from here soon, the first thing on my gay agenda is updating, sorting, and reformatting all the medical documents, then put them all in one easy-to-reach place for quick access. 

The second thing is to prepare the paperwork to make Linda the Executor of my estate. I thought that was one of the documents we took care of 3 weeks ago, but that wasn’t the case. POA ends when my life does.  Clearly, that’s not good enough.

Gather more data about assisted living opportunities and their costs.  Seems this is one of those loose ended gambits that varies from state to state, usually with the person needing assisted living getting virtually fucked (and not in a nice way) due to loopholes and financial shell games.

A new Cell Phone Carrier.  If this current experience has shown me anything it’s that good cell coverage is important in critical situations like this. I need a more reliable carrier and I find that Verizon is the best around.   Though their level of suckitude is beyond measure, they do have to most reliable network around here. Granted, I’ll be paying over half again what I’m paying now, but what I am paying didn’t produce a signal or wifi for texting. Time to bite the bullet.

Probably the most pressing issue about being back in my own space is the inability to clean, do laundry, mop, dust, scrub, change sheets, etc., on my own. I know it will be almost impossible now, but Linda has told me not to worry. If the Home Health person doesn’t do it, she will see that it gets done, somehow.

Having been laid up for a month I have no idea what I can and cannot do for myself anymore or how much stamina I will have when sprung initially.  Still, Linda says I am not to worry.  So I won’t worry. Well, maybe just a little.

There were two huge dark chocolate bars waiting for me when I woke up this morning. No note or card. Just one 60% cacao and the other 85% - 100 grams each.The have to be from one of the nurses, but from the night crew from last evening or someone from the day crew today. And, no one will tell me.

I’ll find out sooner or later - or not. Meanwhile I will enjoy the chocolate and thank the Universe that such a kind person thought of me.

And so it goes.

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Vandals, Vitals, and The Boogie Man

Vandals set off the fire alarm on the floor making the scene look like something from a Three Stooges movie.

An elderly patient died a little while ago, sending the already over-wrought nursing staff caring for her into a tailspin. My room could have used a couple of bottles of wine to help deal with the pain. I don’t know the person, those who did loved her to death.  Literally.

Ron (Retired in Delaware) paid a visit having read yesterday’s post he thought it was safe and I’d not be groggy or asleep. He was right. That didn’t happen until later in the afternoon.  My own fault. I tried to do too much in one day.  Pain meds helped take the edge off in the afternoon and evening.

Linda brought Chinese food for lunch as we scanned the papers for year-round apartment rental ads.  Making phone calls between bites quickly became tedious, so we settled on eating first before returning to the search.

Apartment hunting eventually took me to Craigslist where I found 3 possibilities. Having never been to the list, it took a while to navigate the site and learn the shortcuts.  Still not sure I know many of them, it is a strange place, indeed.

Three days to go on antibiotics, the pneumonia should be pretty much gone and I ought to be free to go - if my blood numbers keep up to speed.  Trouble is, no where to go - yet. Back on oxygen to further clear up the crackles in the lungs and am now using a new device that looks like something between a bong and a killing tool from Star Wars. It is supposed to strengthen the lung capacity.

Took another walk this morning and the thing must be working because I wasn’t short of breath or dizzy when I returned to the room. Oxygen level remained at 96%, so I guess I’m doing something right. 

All things considered, it’s a pleasure being in a place where every waking moment isn’t devoted to hyperventilating about the Ebola scare. From what I’ve read, not much I’l grant you, this is being hyped just like the H2N1 virus was a few years ago. No one seems to be as terrified as the media would like us to believe.

One can read 3 different news sites and come away with three different story lines.Nothing seems to be focused or presented without some mild hysteria.  Yeez! 

Reality, people.  Reality.

And so it goes.

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Got to Admit It’s Getting Better…

...A little better, all the time.

I wake up every morning with a song in my head, I woke up singing this song this morning, so let’s hope it’s a good sign.

Second day without a fever, little appetite, and no news on the new digs front. I’ve been sleeping a little better, more relaxed; although I sometimes feel that I am sleeping away what last hours I may have in this life.  Still it’s good.

Two friends from my previous life visited and were subjected to the doctor’s tirade about my “living on borrowed time” but if it bothered them, it didn’t show. Personally I was relieved that he finally went public here in my room with strangers in attendance so that I could have a chat with the attending nursing staff. 

End of life issues will be openly discussed in this room from now on.  No more “we don’t talk of those things here.” I won’t have it. I’ll do my best to get well enough to get out and on my own, but without denying what lies ahead.  They will adjust or move on. My sensahumah remains intact, so don’t fuck with my life.

My friends had just left the Memorial Service for an old friend who passed away a few weeks ago. He was Ron’s (Retired in Delaware) lifelong buddy Big-Bob and he had many friends here. Of course, I was stuck here and in this frantic environment had forgotten the date. Before sleep took me, I brought back memories of some of the good times we had together, then said my good-bye, as well.

Received a phone call from regular reader, Calvin, the other evening (don’t ask which one).  It was a joy to chat with him, to give voice to the comments and kindness he’s shown.  

Linda returned from Ireland and stopped by on her way home yesterday. As is usual for her, she brought back an Irish Medical Kit containing 3 different bottles of Jameson’s - if I’m ever in need. (grin) Of course, that could be any minute, as I am sure you’ve guessed.

My room has become a sort of safe-haven for some of the nurses during their shift. If things get too hairy at their station, they just come in here, sit down, and we make fun of the world for a few minutes. This seems to help restore their sanity allowing them to face another hour or two.

One frazzled nurse came in looking quite scared. A drunk had just been dumped on her who happened to be going through violent withdrawal, threatening to beat her up if she didn’t let him up so he could find his “vodka to get his morning off right.” When he finally lunged for her, she took off and came over here.  I asked about the police and if there was a guard to protect her from this crazy guy. 

She leaned her head back, barked out a laugh and said, “yeah, there’s a guard. This guy is 6’4’’ and the little bitch guarding him is around 2’3”. What the hell can she do? Maybe she could hold onto his ankles as he dragged her around the room!” Then we both laughed at the image of the prisoner and guard together.  Then we laughed some more.

Want to thank Ann Marie & Todd in Philly for the lovely card. It was sent to the apartment about a month ago and I just got it yesterday.  Thanks for thinking of me.

I hope I have energy enough today to read (catchup on) some fave blogs. It’s been a long time. But don’t hold me to it. It’s far too easy to simply read a book on the Nexus7 and fall asleep as needed. I wouldn’t want to fall asleep, drop the laptop and break it. 

Maybe I’ll post again after I find out the current status of the blood work and the antibiotic infusion.

And so it goes.

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