Why Breakups Are Devastating

Five Scientific Reasons. 
I wish this had been available 4 years ago when my life and world fell apart and I felt exactly as described below.  In some ways, still do. I suppose we never truly get over rejection. The first time my world fell apart I was 6 and I was better prepared for it at that time than I was 4 years ago.

Raise your hand if you've never heard any of the following lines, in one form or another:

• Let's be friends.
• I think we should see other people.
• It's not you. It's me.
• I just don't love you anymore.

If you've finished reading this list and your hand is raised, please bring it down to face level. Cup your hand to your cheek. Pull it back three to five inches, and, traveling at an increased velocity, slap yourself firmly on the face. Why? If you haven't experienced rejection from a breakup, this exercise serves as a simulation of what rejection feels like. Actually, a slap in the face is much more pleasant than rejection.

Chances are, though, you didn't raise your hand. I'm willing to bet that if you are reading this article, you are, unfortunately, familiar with the pain of rejection from a breakup.

Rejection Is Physiologically Heart-Breaking
"Rejection" comes from Latin, meaning thrown back. When we are rejected, we feel not only halted, but pushed back in the opposite direction of which we were headed. Now consider this: When rejected, how do we describe the event? We tend to say, "I was rejected." Notice what is going on here. We are using passive voice. This indicates how we feel about the part we play in rejection. We view ourselves as passive, as being the victim of an action, as inactive, as non-participative.

Well, studies have found that after rejection not only do we think passively, but also we act passively. Scientists from the University of Amsterdam found that unexpected social rejection is associated with a significant response of the parasympathetic nervous system. Let's take a quick time-out to discuss just what the heck is the parasympathetic nervous system. When the body is active, generally in fight or flight mode, the sympathetic system engages, heart rate quickens, pupils dilate and energy is directed towards allowing the body to react quickly. However, the parasympathetic system is responsible for when the body is at rest.

When faced with unexpected rejection, research has found that "feeling that you are not liked" results in our heart rate actually slowing down, an activity of the parasympathetic nervous system. Thus, feeling rejected results in you reacting both psychologically and physically. It is interesting to mention that in this study, participants' heart rates fell not only when they heard a person's unfavorable opinion of them, but also in anticipation of hearing a person's opinion. If told that the person's opinion of him or her was unfavorable, the individual's heart rate plummeted even further and took longer to return to baseline. Additionally, heart rates slowed even more when individuals expected a positive opinion, but received a negative one. This explains how rejection, especially the kind that blindsides you, literally feels heartbreaking.

We Are Hard-Wired to Fear Rejection
As human beings, we are extremely sensitive to rejection -- especially forms of social rejection. We have a strong motivation to seek approval and acceptance. If we take an anthropological perspective, we can see how back in the day -- I'm talking about back in 10,000 B.C. -- you knew that if you were on your own, your chance of survival was nil. You needed your tribe for food, shelter and protection. Being rejected from others meant imminent death. Evolutionarily speaking, we are hardwired to form relationships and strongly motivated to feel liked and feel like we belong.

Getting Over a Breakup Is Like Getting Over Cocaine
Five out of five neurologists agree: Rejection sucks! And arguably, the worst type of rejection is romantic rejection. Getting over a breakup is like getting over an addition to cocaine. That isn't just my personal viewpoint; it is also the opinion and the scientific finding of researchers at Stony Brook University. The researchers found that the area of the brain that is active during the pain and anguish experienced during a breakup is the same part of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings. Brain imaging shows similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving. Rejection hurts so acutely because we get addicted to the relationship, only to have it taken away from us. And after, just like a drug addiction, we go through withdrawal.

The rest is here.

And so it goes.
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