Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Blogiversary: Threes, Looking Back, & the Present
As the sixth year of this corner of the Inter-webs kicks off I went back and re-read some of those early posts. Not necessarily a bad thing, but some pretty grim memories (overcome and blessedly forgotten over time) were dredged up in the process.
Six years ago at this time my life was shattering into tiny fragments; many of which would be lost forever, making my life quite the mess. Before OT I wrote another blog about the breakup, reaching out to others in similar situations. It was eventually deleted and this little place was born.
Spent much time in hospital or home recovering from surgery as my 30-year relationship (and Canadian marriage) disintegrated. A year later I slid from home owner to homeless person in a matter of weeks.
Rejection has played a big role in my life - from parents, siblings, on down. I have no answers. Never trust another with your entire being/life. No regrets; just a huge mistake. We live and learn, or we don't live long.
It's been a slow, painful crawl back with more loss along the way - people and things; lightened the load of "things" that weighed me down. Some were taken away while others were cast aside willingly. Let someone else show them off, dust them. For 40 years I collected vinyl records that never needed much dusting. Those were taken away, too. Just as well.
Now there is light in the distance. Dim perhaps, but there. With a little luck the hospital will be paid in full with the April payment. The dentist will be paid off in June so there may be some of that illusive, notorious gay disposable income I hear so much about. We shall see.
Over these 6 years the phone calls and emails suggesting that I meet for drinks, dinner, or a movie have dried up. No calls anymore. It was tiring to continually make excuses for not being available and I was no longer willing to simply repeat (over and over) "there is no money for ________ in the budget. Oh sure, I would have loved nothing better than to join in for a Happy Hour, Burger Night, or Seafood special with friends. The idea of dropping $40., $30, or even $20. for an evening out, was unthinkable; still is. They never got the message.
Even today, folks at work will talk about a certain TV show and ask if I had seen it. For almost 3 years they have been told that I don't have TV service, but it doesn't sink in. Surely, everyone has cable - or something; how could anyone possibly live without it? Apparently, I can!
Well, if all goes without a hitch, I just might be able to afford basic cable in a couple of months. By that time I will have returned to a 6-day work week, which means extra $$, as well. At least through September. Hopefully, some of that extra can be set aside for the leaner times of Fall and Winter. I cannot depend on the bureaucracy of Social Security Administration to be forthcoming with benefits checks anytime soon.
That said, there is the possibility of hernia surgery, and the lease is up on this place in May; I don't know if there will be a rent increase in my future. I am not moving house again. Can't afford it physically, emotionally, or financially. It is what it is.
I've come this far (though not quite sure of the reason) and that little light looks good from here.
There is that Alaskan Cruise/Tour to look forward to, after all. Now, if I can keep myself healthy - or a reasonable facsimile thereof - that may come to pass.
Over the years I have met (at least in cyberspace) some really good people who share their lives, thoughts, insights and humor on their blogs; occasionally honoring me with a comment here. Funny and supportive, never judgmental. Some I already call 'friend' and feel it is so. You know who you are. I am blessed by your presence. And I hope to meet all of you in person one day. Of course, I will need to win the lottery first.
Happy Blogiversary to me. Cheers!
And so it goes.