Saturday, February 11, 2012

Old Friends - Like Bookends

NYC 1977
My oldest and closest friend is dying. Deserted by all family, so called friends, and local stray dogs and cats. Do I sound bitter?  Yes, well... This attitude was common during the AIDS 80s, but this has nothing to do with AIDS. This fear of facing mortality is juvenile and hurtful.

We've been friends since 1964 when I was a tag-a-long guest at a party she threw for herself when she snagged a reporter's gig at the local paper in Willimantic, Connecticut. It was instant connection and remained so all these years, though we've moved around quite a bit, and didn't visit personally on a regular basis. We kept in touch through letters & phone calls, then with cassette tapes, and finally via e-mail. We were physically present during personal and family tribulations.  A great support system of two.

That connection has been strong and unlike any other in either of our lives. We have been the constant for one another. A solid foundation; a non-judgmental and supportive voice telling the truth even if it was painful to hear at times.  Not always immediately appreciated, but over time, ultimately the best rule to follow.

Independent almost to a fault, but giving, always giving. The best friend anyone could ever hope to have in a lifetime, now reduced to such a state.  The mind is fully functional, while the body is shutting down.  And she knows it, of course.  Horrible, just horrible.

This is a brilliant woman who speaks 5 languages, crossed the Atlantic on a research sailing ship from Boston to Spain, worked on assignment at Scrips in La Jolla with me as apprentice, wrote about Lobster culture in the north Atlantic for Oceans Magazine, and spent almost 2 years traveling the middle east alone.  She's a Jew, by the way.  Fearless!

She is in a sort of hospice situation (it's California, they create names for these centers) and receiving Palliative care.  She is scared out of her wits because no one will tell her what day it is, or even offer a newspaper.  She is a voracious reader.  When she called yesterday in near hysterics all she wanted to know was the day - month - year.  How sad is that? Thank God for her cell phone.

The worst part is that there. is. nothing. I. can. do.!

I feel helpless. I would gladly give up my so-called life for her.  No, I won't go there now, but it's the absolute truth.

I need to go to bed now. I hope sleep will come quickly.

And so it goes.
*

6 comments:

  1. A very sad post, indeed.
    This is one of the primal screams of my patients; facing woe with the sense of helplessness. Keep in mind 'do something' is not always really needed; 'being there' is more important. Whether physically or mentally.

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  2. Darling, I love you and I love her through you. I will carry you both in my prayers to St. Luke's this morning. Platitude? I hope you don't find it so. Heartfelt and sincere? Surely. (Don't call me "surely".)

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  3. Hello Cajun,

    I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Having just lost my dear cousin & best friend in the world my feelings are still raw. I'm sorry your best friend isn't being treated like a human being. One who wants to hang on to each day they have left doing what they love. Hospices can be great as the end is near but they should never take away the dignity of the living. I hope her remaining days are free from those who impose on her to just lay there & be quiet. She sounds like a friend anyone would love to call theirs. My thoughts are with you both.

    Fran

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  4. I don't really read posts written over the weekend but this one caught my eye as I was deleting them.
    I feel awful for her and I'm sorry that you are losing such a good Friend. I only hope that she finds peace soon.
    Take care.
    mark

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm pretty sure she knows she's in your thoughts.

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  6. Thanks everyone, for the kind words, prayers, thoughts, and insights. It is very kind of you all to take time to visit and comment. Really appreciate that.

    ReplyDelete

Your comments are welcome if they are positive and/or helpful.
If they are simply a tirade or opinionated bullshit, they will be removed, so don't waste your time, or mine.

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